The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret, so it is easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." He decided to try it out.
When he got home, he said to his mother, "I know the whole truth." She quickly handed him a $50 note and said, "Just don't tell your father."
When his father came home from work, the boy said, "I know the whole truth." His father promptly handed him a $50 note and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
The next morning, the boy saw the mailman at the front door and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." The mailman dropped the mail, opened his arms and said, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
A Christmas Wish
An elderly couple was celebrating Christmas at home when a fairy appeared.
The fairy told them that since it was Christmas, she would grant them a wish each.
The wife said, "I’ve lived for so many years, but I've never seen the beautiful Swiss Alps. I wish we could travel there." The fairy waved her wand and SWOOSH! She had a pair of return tickets to Switzerland in her hand.
Surprised, the husband became excited and racked his brain for a wish. After a moment, he said, "I am envious of guys who have young wives. If possible, I want to be married to a woman who is 20 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and SWOOSH! He became 20 years older.
The Secret of a Long Marriage
At their 50th wedding anniversary party, an old man was asked the secret of such a long, happy marriage. "Twice a week, we go to a lovely restaurant," he said. "A little wine, good food, candlelight, soft music."
"How romantic!" said the guest. He nodded: "She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."
The Anniversary
A wife asked her husband, "Do you know what day it is today?" Panicking, he rushed out and came back with roses, chocolates and a necklace. "Happy anniversary, darling!"
She smiled and said, "It's actually just Tuesday. But I'll keep the necklace."
Fooling Around
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Differences Between Men and Women
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
5 Secrets to Romantic Happiness (for a Man)
1. It is important to find a woman who is good at house hold chores, cooks well and can take care of the kids.
2. It is important to find a woman whom you can bring out for social functions.
3. It is important that she shares the same life goal and common vision as you.
4. It is important to find a woman who is passionate and adores you.
5. It is important that these 4 women never meet.
Super Baby
A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked at the doctor and asked, "Are you my doctor?" "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth," said the baby.
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," she said, beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!?"
Post-Natal Obsessions
Three newly-wed women developed obsessions after giving birth to their first children. They saw a psychiatrist Dr P who decided the best way to help them was to conduct a group therapy session to openly discuss about their obsessions.
Dr P said to the first mother, "Your obsession is with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
Dr P then said to the second mother, "You’re totally obsessed with money. You’ve even named your child Penny."
At this moment, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
